Lilly has been missing Lori a lot this summer. Being around family and friends has probably triggered memories of her Mom and she is processing them differently than before. Rather than asking the questions of why she is in heaven, Lilly has been saying that she doesn't want her in heaven any more. She gets upset and has said things about being the only kid without a Mommy. It is difficult to hear.
One day in particular, she was very upset and crying. I was telling her to "get herself together". She told me she couldn't. "Daddy, I can't get myself together. I think I just need a good cry". And she did.
Several months ago, Lilly had bought a mini photo album from Target. Together we went through pictures on my computer and printed the ones she wanted for the book. It probably has about 30 or so pictures. Many of them with her and Lori, others with family and friends. Last weekend, she had her friend over to the house for a visit. They were playing in the living room when I heard Lilly talking. She was showing her friend the pictures and explaining them to her. "This is what I looked like when I was little. This is my Mommy, isn't she beautiful? This is me and my Mommy sharing an ice cream sundae. This is my Mommy playing that little guitar over there. etc…"
It was so cute listening to her. She was so proud to share her pictures with her friend. Talking about her Mommy so that the friend could put a face to the name. Lilly has two of these photo books. One she keeps up in her room and the other is in the living room. It is wonderful to peek in on her at night and see that she has fallen asleep with the photo book nearby on the bed.
On Saturday, Lilly came downstairs wearing Lori's Teal Ovarian Cancer Ribbon pin. She had the card that came with it. She brought it to me and asked me to read it to her. When I finished, she told me, "this is very special Daddy, I want to wear it to remind me of Mommy". Her little hand reached up and covered the pin clipped to her dress. "Daddy, I really miss Mommy. When will she come back down from heaven?"
Later that day, I brought out my computer and invited Lilly to come look at pictures with me. We jumped around from album to album, looking at some pictures of her and Lori and other of family and friends. While looking at pictures, Lilly kept touching the pin. She would take it off, look at it, and then put it back on. "Daddy, do I have to wear this pin all the time to remind me of Mommy?"
I looked at her and replied, "No. You don't. You can wear it whenever you want. You can wear it when you miss Mommy or you can just wear it so that you know she is always near you." I was looking for an example and one jumped right out at me. I pulled out my own necklace and showed it to her. She has obviously seen it many times. I explained to her about the two crosses that are on my chain. How they are from my two Grandma's and how I always wear them to remind me of them. The chain itself is from her Mommy.
She asked for other examples and I explained how every person does things differently and finds different ways to remember important people in their lives. This conversation led me to show her a video that I will share with you. It is more than a year old now, and I have been holding on to it, just waiting for the right opportunity to post it here.
Over a year ago, my cousin Michele told me that her daughters, Chelsea and Sydney wanted to dance a duet to the song I used for Lori's video. The problem was that the song was too long. So I took the song and edited it down to meet their needs and it was accepted by their dance teacher. I was so honored. The girls were going to dance to this song for several of their competitions in memory of Lori.
Michele gave me a list of the dates and locations of when the girls would be performing and Lilly and I made our way up to Buffalo to see them compete at the Niagara Falls Convention Center. It was amazing to watch live and I instantly asked about how to get a copy of it so that I could share it with all of you.
I showed Lilly the video of the dance and she remembered very clearly us going there. She especially remembered the "gift shop" area where they were selling very bright and glittery outfits. I told Lilly how the girls danced to this song as a way to remember Mommy and that Aunt Michele had bought the girls matching Teal Bracelets to wear in memory of her. I'm not sure that Lilly completely understood the connection I was trying to make to her pin, but we did get a chance to watch the video a couple of times, both in awe at the beauty of the routine in addition to the inspirational message it was sending
Chelsea and Sydney are so talented! They weren't asked to do this dance, and they weren't asked to do the dance to this song... but they did. They did because at that moment in time, they were thinking of Aunt Lori. And I'm sure Aunt Lori was with them the whole way.
Last weekend, Lilly invited me to a show out in the front yard. She was performing a dance routine with her friend across the street. It was to the music of The Rainbow Connection. I tried to get video, but was then told over the microphone that cell phones were not allowed! I will save the rest of that story for another time, but I can only hope that if Lilly decides that dancing is in her future, that she can do it half as well as Sydney and Chelsea. You can see the dance below.