Everyone wants a sign. I want a sign. Something significant. I've heard or read or seen on TV the type of signs where the wind blows or a bird flies by and the person talks about how they received a sign from a loved one. Although I believe that they believe that it was a sign, I don't know that it is something I would call a sign. But ultimately, a sign is what you want it to be, and if it makes you feel good, then who are we to judge?
I still want a sign, but in some respects, I believe I have something even better. I have Lori around me every day. She speaks to me and helps me in ways I never thought possible. But before you think about committing me to an institution, let me explain.
Just after the holidays, I was cleaning up a closet in the bonus room. A closet that has been a catch all for years. Many boxes with many things. Mostly things gathered by Lori. She would know what is in every container, no matter how large, small, important or insignificant the item was. I was only peeling back the first layer when I came across some items that were gifts from Lori to Me for my Birthday just two years ago. She had bought me covers for our patio furniture. I remember the day very clearly, because I was not very excited about the gift. There was a cover for the chairs, the tables and the grill. Lori was very enthusiastic about the gift, thinking that I would love it. I didn't. I saw the hassle involved in putting on and taking off the covers each time we wanted to use the stuff. I saw the challenge involved in having to find a place to store the covers each time we took them off.
Our relationship was of the type where we didn't hide our likes and dislikes. So I told Lori that I wouldn't use them and I remember greatly the disappointment in her eyes. But she had a chance to redeem herself since Christmas was just a few weeks away and she was determined to find me the perfect gift or gifts. And she did. Lori bought me two gifts, both of which I might say were my favorite gifts ever. The first, was a giant framed map of the world. It was matted on a cork board and she gave it to me with boxes of colored pins. The idea was for us to mark off all of the places we have been. One color for me, another for her, and even one for Lilly. I loved it! The second item was a watch. Most people would need to pick out there own watch in order to truly find the right style, size and comfort. And I remember being nervous when I unwrapped the gift and saw that it was in a watch box and truly feared that if the watch was not of my liking, that my face would show it immediately. I slowly opened the box and started smiling. It was perfect. I couldn't have picked one out better myself. I have been wearing the watch every day since and I completely love it.
So when I was cleaning up the closet, I smiled again when I came across the watch box that my wonderful watch came in. I was recalling the story I just told you in my mind and remembering Lori. Almost subconsciously, I was probably re-enacting the story in my head. But physically, I opened up the box and smiled. Not just a smirk, but probably one of the biggest smiles I could ever have. Why? Because there in the box was... MY WATCH! I looked at my watch on my wrist and I looked at this second watch in the box. Looking closely I noticed there was one difference. And a light went on when I realized that there was more to the story. I began to put the story back together in my head and it went something like this:
Lori was so determined to get me the right Christmas Gift after the "failed" Birthday Gift, that when she found the watch she liked, she also feared that maybe I wouldn't like it. So to ensure she covered herself, she ordered two. She knew me well enough to know that she definitely found the right watch face, but she must have hesitated about choosing the right colored band. The one on my wrist is a rustic chocolate brown. The one in the box was a lighter colored rustic brown. So if on that day, I would have told her I loved the watch, except I wasn't thrilled with the band, she would have proudly brought out the second box to see if that one would have worked.
She never told me about the second watch. But now I have two. And if some day, the watch on my wrist no longer works, I have another gift from Lori, a brand new watch that Lori knew I would absolutely love.
This is Lori. Still giving. I stopped cleaning the closet having barely scratched the surface. Who knows how many other treasures from Lori are still in there? But if there were more, I certainly didn't want to uncover them all in the same day!
About a month ago, I was having a problem with my refrigerator, actually, the freezer. It has been having problems on and off for a couple of years and Lori and I talked frequently about replacing it. As is the case whenever you have problems with a major appliance, I was frustrated. Can I fix it? Do I need a repairman? Should I just replace it? If I do replace it, what type should I get? I remember Lori talking about getting a bottom freezer and preferred it over the side by side, but did she want stainless steel or white? I became even more frustrated not having the answers. I guess I just have to pick it out myself, or better yet, fix the thing and then I won't have to deal with it at all.
Later that week, Lilly was asking me to put on the movie Ice Age. She hadn't watched the movie in months, maybe even a year, and it wasn't in the drawer with all of her other movies. So I looked in the DVD player, not there. I looked in the cabinet under the TV, nothing. I looked in with our other movies, no dice. And then I looked in the nightstand next to the chair in my room, Lori's night stand. In the drawer, under a notebook, there it was. So I popped the movie in for Lilly and after she was settled, I started to thumb through the notebook. Pages of notes about clinical trials, questions for the doctor, grocery lists, a packing list for a trip, a couple of "to do" lists for me and then on two pages there was a sketch.
A sketch of our kitchen. Details of our table and chairs, counter tops, decorations, cabinets and appliances. Little arrows went from each item to a small notes section on either side of the sketch. So I followed the line from the refrigerator to the note that said, "New White Fridge with Bottom Freezer". "New White Fridge with Bottom Freezer!" Thank you Lori! Now I know. I also know that if I want to replace my counters, that I need to find "granite ice speckle" and the cabinets should be "Deep Brown". If I am ever so inclined, there is also some sort of flip counter that can be "raised for bar stools" or lowered "to have more space for entertaining". Lori knew that I wouldn't know unless she left me a note. So she did.
We have had some nice weather recently which has taken me outside to work on our flower beds. Some of the shrubs, trees and flowers are starting to bloom and the green sprouts are popping up all over. It is a wonderful time of the year, one that Lori always embraced with the same delight as spring itself. Lori always picked out our flowers, plants and trees. Many of them, she planted herself, well sort of. I would dig the hole and pour the soil and then Lori would tenderly plant them. She always knew what she was planting and made choices based on sun or shade, high or low maintenance, lot's or a little water. She knew what she was doing and Lilly was always by her side. Lori would always take the time to explain to Lilly what she was doing, what kind of plant it was, what type of flowers it would have. Lilly absorbed it like a sponge.
Lilly is always stopping to look at the flowers. She always wants to know what kind of flowers she sees and she always wants more. Lori instilled that in her. So when we were outside two weekends ago and the plant near our front door had a budding flower on it, Lilly asked me, "Daddy, what type of flower is that"? I was a little frustrated because I didn't know and made a mental note to look up what plants and flowers I had so that I could answer her better next time. "I don't know Lilly, it's kind of like a rose."
"No it isn't Daddy. It's a Camellia." She told me with confidence.
Argghhhh. Is she trying to embarrass me? "You are right! It is!" I told her with as much excitement as I could muster. Of course she knew. Maybe she would know what the other 15 flowers and shrubs were that I didn't know. So I asked her. But she didn't know. We both agreed that a couple of them were azaleas. I remember being aggravated last spring with the same problem, so I decided that I would take pictures of each one and look them up so I would know what I have.
As things go, this past weekend was a wash out, so Lilly and I did not get back outside. Instead, we went on a mission to do some spring cleaning. Starting with our bedrooms, we cleaned, tried on spring clothes, cleaned closets and dressers, put in lot of loads of wash and just really straightened things up.
I'm not sure what to call it, either a really large nightstand or perhaps a small dresser. We have three pieces of furniture in our room. My nightstand, Lori's nightstand and this thing. It has four drawers down the middle and cabinet doors on either side. In it is a wide range of things, I won't even try to explain. But there on the shelf inside the cabinet drawer, was a basket. Inside the basket were cards. Dozens of cards. Dozens of dozens of cards. Cards that Lori had received from many of you. I didn't read them, I couldn't. I wasn't ready for that kind of emotional commitment. I do know how much it meant to Lori, and I can't say thank you to all of you enough for sending them. I just skimmed. They seemed to be in order of the year which spanned from Christmas 2008 through November of 2009.
I wanted to read them, but I just couldn't. The few I opened were emotional enough just skimming to find who they were from and when they were sent. So I just fingered my way through the basket and pulled out random cards to help build the timeline until I stopped at an empty envelope. It stood out because it was larger than most of them. It was addressed to Lori, but no return address. I flipped it over. On the back was another one of Lori's famous sketches. I could pick out her drawing from a thousand if I had to. It has such character. Simply put, it is Lori, once again answering my questions.
A rendering of what our front yard flower beds should look like. The stone retaining wall, the water fountain, and all of the plants, flowers, and trees. All labeled. I could tell by looking at it, that we had certainly expanded since she drew this sketch, but I called Lilly into the room and opened the blinds of my bedroom windows. We looked down threw the rain and I told her. "See the beautiful yellow flowers there on that shrub? That is a Forsythia." "Forsythia? Ohhh." She replied.
"And see the three that have all of those white flowers? Those are Bridal Spirea."
"Bridal Spirea. Ohhh." She repeated the name back to me.
"The tall tree on the end that doesn't have any leaves yet, that is a Crepe Myrtle, that gets it's flowers later in the summer." I followed Lori's list.
"Ohhh, I like the Crepe Myrtle." She followed along.
"And there is the Camellia, the one that looks like a rose. And those three over there, those are the Azalea's." The rest of Lori's list was generic. It said things like "perennials" and "annuals" and "rock".
"Daddy?" Lilly questioned me. "Yes Lilly?"
"What is that one there?" She pointed to a red leafed shrub.
I looked at Lori's sketch and knew that this one was not on her list. Added sometime after the drawing was complete. Of course she wanted to know what that one was.
"Well that one is one that we will have to look up on the computer." I told her.
"I like that one. It's red. Red is my favorite color!"
These are just three stories. I have more. And the more I talk to Lori, the more answers I get. She is around me every day. If you don't think so, just come to my house and look in my garage where you will find sticky notes posted from 3 or 4 years ago. I am amazed that they still hang there. Look at the one on my work bench that says "Daddy's Work Area" or the cabinet that says "Mommy's Craft Closet" and the one on the shelves that says "Lilly's Play Toys".
Throughout the house I have closets and drawers and cabinets and desks and file cabinets that are filled with notebooks, sketch pads, magazines, notes, cards, letters and unknown treasures that are just waiting to be uncovered. I'm in no hurry to find them all, but I know that if I need some help, I just need to ask Lori and I'm sure that she has left me the answers somewhere in the house.
I still would like a sign. But I'll take what I have. Lori is around me every day. I ask her lots of questions, usually I don't get an answer. But I know she hears me because even though I can't hear her, she finds a way to give me the answers that I need.
I love you Lori!