I parked the car in the parking lot of the hospital. I was very aware of my surroundings. I had been here dozens of times. My actions were robotic. I pulled into the same spot I had pulled into a number of times. I grabbed my book off of the passenger seat, exited the car, locked the doors, put my keys in my pocket and started to walk toward the entrance.
When Lori was in the hospital here in Charlotte, she rarely was required to get into the hospital gown unless she was specifically there for a procedure. Most times, she was wearing a loose fitting shirt with comfortable cotton pants and her favorite pair of green fuzzy socks. In the room her blue duffle bag was stock full of clothes, notebooks, magazines, pens, pencils, bathroom supplies and almost anything else you could think of.
When Lilly would come to visit, Lori would always have some activity planned. They would have a "Jello Party" or make Christmas Decorations out of q-tips and cotton balls. Lori would make use of whatever was around: gauze pads, rubber gloves, plastic cups, etc...
The glass doors opened for me as I made my way through. It seemed busier than normal. I nodded at the woman working the reception desk and continued down the hallway. Around the corner and heading toward the elevator. There she was. Lori was walking toward me with a smile on her face. No equipment. No hospital gown. Just jeans and a Buffalo Bills sweatshirt.
As Lori would doze off into sleep, I would open up my book, lean back in the chair and pick up right where I left off. After a few minutes, when I was sure she was sound asleep, I would hear her speak. "Matt, what are you doing?"
I'd set my book down in my lap and sit up, "I'm reading my book".
Without opening her eyes, she quietly asked, "Will you read it out loud to me?"
And of course I did. She probably didn't know what was going on in the story since I had read many pages to myself since the last time she asked me to read to her. It didn't matter. She didn't have the energy to carry a conversation so this was the next best thing for her. After just a few pages, she would be asleep. As I sat in the chair next to her, I was thinking back over the years. This request to read out loud was not something new. She has been asking this of me for as long as I can remember. At times it was a book I was reading. Other times it was an article in a magazine or an email someone sent. I would read to her letters and cards we had received and sometimes, we would just read the side of a box of cereal. It was just one of those small things we shared.
She turned to walk with me. She was clearly in a good mood. There was a bounce in her step. She started talking to me, but I didn't really pay much attention to what she was saying. We kept walking side by side heading back to the room. As we walked down the corridor, I could see a yellow custodial mop bucket on the right hand side. Lori was heading for it, but she wasn't paying attention to where she was going. I tried to listen to her, but my mind was elsewhere and before I knew it, Lori walked right through it. She was so embarrassed. I looked her right in the eyes and asked her, "Do you even know what is going on?"
Every night, after she climbs into bed, Lilly asks me to read her a book. We have been doing this for years. Lori would take care of everything except for bed time. That was my job. After a bath, with jammy's on, Lilly would climb into her bed. I would get her tucked in and reach for a book, when I would hear Lori from the other room, "Let me know when you are ready to read to her."
It's one of my favorite memories. So beautiful, so cute. Snuggled up under her blanket. A couple of stuffed animals tucked up along the wall. The twin bed seeming extra large surrounding her petite frame. A smile on her face from ear to ear, her energy level finally coming down from a long day, eager and excited to hear her favorite story. And right next to her is Lori. Snuggled up under the blanket, a smile on her face from ear to ear. She looks up at me with those big round eyes and says, "Okay. I think that Lilly and I are ready, you can start." Mommy and Lilly together in Lilly's bed. One more excited than the next that Daddy was about to start the book.
I didn't mean to scare her any more than she already was. She just kept looking at me, not understanding what just happened. After a few moments, click, it all made sense and her eyes got big. She started walking away from me very quickly. She wasn't running, but she was surprisingly quick. She turned the first corner, then the second. I was right behind her. When I took the second turn, she was gone. I proceeded to the elevator, went up a couple of floors and walked down the long hallway to the room. I went inside, but Lori was not there. Someone else was sitting on the bed. I acknowledged her and sat myself on the floor. The room was carpeted and resembled more of a one room apartment than it did a hospital room. I leaned up against the wall.
One day, Lilly and I visited Lori at the hospital. Lori had asked me to bring some supplies with me and I did. Paper, scissors, coffee filters, glue, pom poms, yarn and markers. I handed over the supplies and sat down in the chair. Lilly climbed right up into Lori's bed and listened intently to Lori's instructions. Lori displayed the supplies on the table in front of her. Together they worked. Lilly cutting paper, Lori drawing, glue for pom pom's, scissors for the coffee filters, yarn spread out and then knotted together. They worked diligently for almost an hour. I kept looking at my book, giving them the time together, but I don't think I ever read a page. I kept looking up over my book and watching the two of them. The teacher and the student.
A short time later, Lilly called for me. I looked up to see her sitting next to Lori with a big beautiful smile and her hand raised in the air. Hanging from her fingers was the finished product and it was more than I ever thought it could become based on the meager supplies I had provided. It was a wreath. The yarn formed the circular structure, leaves cut from paper were colored with markers and displayed around the yarn. Five or six colorful flowers sprung from the wreath made from the white coffee filters and the pom poms.
Ten minutes or so later, the door to the room opened and Lori walked in. She smiled at me and then noticed the other person in the room. Her smile grew bigger and she excitedly hopped up on the bed and began talking. The two of them talked energetically for another ten or fifteen minutes. I listened and watched, but I couldn't say exactly what they were talking about. It was like two friends who hadn't seen each other in quite awhile just catching up.
Then she came down off the bed and sat next to me on the floor. I looked at her. She looked at me. "You came back" I casually said.
"Of course I did" she replied. Still looking at her, I noticed that she had changed clothes. Instead of the jeans and Buffalo Bills Sweatshirt, she was now wearing a nice, possibly new, green button down shirt over top of a beige t-shirt. The shirt was untucked and hung over her black dress pants. She looked good. She looked healthy. She looked happy.
Our short exchange of words was very comfortable, very natural. Husband and wife just talking. "You changed" I observed to her. "It looks great."
Last week, Lilly had her sand bucket out in the yard. She was collecting leaves, acorns, pine cones, flowers, weeds, grass and anything else she could find. The next day, when I got home from work, Lilly ran out the garage door to greet me. With her usual spunk, she grabbed my hand and guided me into the house. "Daddy, Daddy, come see what I made, come see what I made."
Inside the house she ushered me to the table where she proudly showed off her latest creation. "It's a wreath. I made it with weeds and leaves and pine cones." Her enthusiasm is contagious. "I want you to hang it right there, next to Mommy's wreath." She pointed to the wall in our family room where hanging from the wall is a wreath that Lori made. Well, maybe she didn't make the wreath, but she certainly added the flowers and leaves and pine cones.
Lilly's, was just the same. Except that Lilly used long pieces of weeds gathered from the yard and taped together into a circle. The weeds amazingly formed a perfect circle. Look closely and you will see the roll of scotch tape that was used to hold it together. On top of the weeds on one side of the wreath were yellow, green and brown leaves, carefully displayed. At the bottom, three pine cones taped together weighed down the lower half of the wreath.
When Lori made things for the house, they always looked like they were store bought. They were just that good. She saw the finished product in her head before she even started the project and they almost always exceeded the vision. She took the time to do things right. Lilly at such a young age has this same talent. She knew that her Mom had made the wreaths in our house, she remembered making the wreath in the hospital with her, and she knew in head what her wreath looked like before she even began her project. When I looked into her sand bucket, I saw weeds and leaves, acorns and pine cones. When she looked into it, she saw a wreath. So she made it look just like her Mom's.
We kept talking. We talked about nothing and we talked about everything. We just kept talking. I turned onto my back and lifted my legs pushing my feet up against the wall. Next to me, Lori did the same. We were giddy together for several more minutes. Then our conversation was halted when the alarm on my phone went off. I turned to reach for my phone to turn it off. When I turned back to look at Lori, she was gone. I looked at my phone again. It was 4:44am. I was in my bed.
Lori's favorite number is four. And for years, Lori would point out to me the Forty Four. It seemed to always be on our clock. 5:44, 11:44, 2:44 etc... In the car, in the house, or on the phone. Today, September 30th, is our anniversary. Although this happened several days ago, I am happy she took the time to come visit me... in my dreams. I love you Lori!