Early November. How do you know it’s getting close to Christmas? The first sign is when my Mother or Mother-In-Law call and ask for a list of ideas for me and Lilly. While Christmas is a happy time of the year, when families and friends come together to share good cheer, it is also a difficult time for me. As busy as the holidays are, it seems that everyone is so busy it becomes a race to get everything done. Every night when I lay my head on the pillow, I am exhausted and wide awake. Which leaves a lot of time to think about Lori.
As I consider shopping for Lilly, I think about what Lori would want for her for Christmas. I try to find one gift that is from Lori to Lilly, which can be stressful. When planning meals I am surrounded by images of Lori making every holiday dinner a five course extravaganza. Pulling out Lilly’s gloves and hats, I always encounter Lori’s array of winter wears. Scarves, hats, gloves, coats, boots, sweaters, earmuffs and turtle necks seem to be in endless supply around the house.
There is comfort in decorating the house for the holidays. As I mentioned last year, the blueprint has already been left by Lori. It is up to me to simply follow it. From the manger made by my father to the large wreath on the wall, or the dancing and singing animatronics to the ribbon on the tree. All things have been pre-determined. The only things that are different today than they were years ago are the things I told you about last year: the bear that Lori made next to my chair, the new angel on top of our christmas tree that reminds me of Lori looking over us and the green candle in my bedroom window.
The holidays are also a very busy time at work. Many of you know that the radio station I work at installs an outdoor ice rink over the holidays. Making and keeping ice in Charlotte can be a very daunting task. When we first took on this project 8 years ago, it was Lori standing by my side on the day we cut the ribbon to open the rink. Leading up to that day, it was Lori who brought me and my staff dinner on the nights we had to work late. It was Lori who waited up for me and listened to me vent about any problems we were having. It was Lori who supported me when my phone rang at 3am and I needed to drive down to the rink. And it was Lori who held my hand as we skated around the rink on that very first day. One of my favorite pictures I have is one where I am helping Lori tie her skates before heading out on to the ice.
This year we moved the ice rink to a new location. Bigger and better was the war cry as we lead up to this years event. Little did we know the obstacles that lurked ahead. By far, this was the most challenging year of all. And after every hurdle, I came home and looked for Lori. When we ran into problems installing our electrical needs, I missed having Lori to vent to. When we were required to jump through some hoops to get our water source installed, I patiently thought about Lori. When we ran into permit problems, I looked to the sky for answers. When the rink platform of sand was not even remotely close to level, I picked up my phone and called her number, just to hear her voice. When reality struck that we were running out of hours to build enough ice from the installed water supply and we had to order a tanker truck of water, I closed my eyes and thought about how Lori would calm me down. So when the temporary generator powering the chiller to keep the rink frozen decided to break down on opening day, hours before our ribbon cutting ceremony, I put my head in my hands and asked for her help. And when my phone started to ring on my first day off in almost 3 weeks, I dared to find out the latest problem.
Earlier in November, Lilly and I had gone to Garden Ridge. We bought Christmas flowers for the vase at the cemetery and I had also picked up 10 boxes of lights to trade with some of the older lights I knew would need replacing. Over Thanksgiving weekend, I pulled out the lights and started decorating the house. Once done, I will sit down and work on the Christmas list that everyone is asking for. It will be a fun weekend, maybe even start to make some Christmas cookies.
Test the first string. Check for any broken bulbs. Replace the broken bulbs. Staple the first string of lights around the garage. Plug it in. Nothing.
Check the plug. Check the fuse. Test the extension cord with different lights. Check to see if I accidentally stapled the cord wrong. No problems. No lights. Start testing the bulbs one by one. After about 20, I realized this would take forever. So I got out the pliers and started to remove the string. Staple by staple. Once done, I got out a new string of lights. Tested the string. Checked for broken bulbs. Staple the second set of lights around the garage. Plug it in. Half the strand worked. The other half... Nothing.
Check the plug, check the fuse, test the extension cord. Check the staples. No problems. No lights. Checked some of the bulbs. Decided this wasn’t worth the time. Got the pliers out. Removed the staples one by one.
Now I went to the box of brand new lights. Pulled them out. Tested them. Checked for any loose or broken bulbs. Stapled the third set of lights on the garage. Plug it in. Nothing! Are you kidding me? I wiggled some bulbs. Checked the plug. Checked the fuse. Tested the extension cord. The blood on my knuckles just starting to drip, I started to pull at the lights thinking this might be faster than scraping my knuckles with the pliers again. Pull harder. Pull a little harder. Snap. The string ripped in half. Get out the pliers. Pull out all of the staples, one by one. Almost done with the string. Hold on, my phone is ringing. “What happened to the zamboni????” The zamboni had broken down on our first weekend, so off I went, listening to Lori’s IPOD in the car on the ride.
Three hours later and with some help, the zamboni was back up and operational. Back into the car for the drive home. Stop at the store. Pick up something to eat. Get home. Cook dinner for Lilly and me. Get Lilly into the bath. Throw in a load of wash. “Daddy? Are we going to make cookies tonight?” Put Lilly to bed. Walk downstairs. Turn on the TV, sit down in the chair. The phone rings. “Did you get a chance to put together a Christmas list?” I look down at the floor to my right. A pile of at least 40 catalogs stands over a foot tall. “No, but I have the catalogs right here. I was just about to start going through them. I’ll have you something by the end of the weekend.”
Those of you who know me may attest that I generally thrive on being busy. It is exhilarating to work in events or on projects that have deadlines. There is almost never a time when giving up is an option better than making it work. This time of the year is like that. Christmas on steroids. But no one was better in balancing things out than Lori. So when I look to her for support or guidance or help, I expect to have her right there. When she’s not, it is frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I was the only busy one in the family. Lori was always busier than I was. She always had another project she was working on and she always had another project in cue for me. I can hear her voice on a cool December day “I know you have been really busy at work, but if you could just replace the faucets in all the bathrooms, that would be great. If you can’t do them tonight, that’s okay, I don’t need them done until tomorrow night.”
What I would do right now to be able to walk in the front door and have a project like that!
Time is a funny thing. Everything has a ticking clock. Christmas will come whether any of us are ready or not. So I picked up the magazines and started to sort them into piles. One for things for Lilly. Another for things for me. A third pile of things for the house. A fourth pile of catalogs dedicated to Christmas decorations and another pile for the trash. After the frustration of the day with my lights, I first reached for the pile with the Christmas decorations. I opened one catalog. Flipped a couple of pages. And there it was.
I don’t necessarily search for things that remind me of Lori. They just seem to find me when I need them the most. When it comes to Christmas decorations, there is a fine line between what reminds me of Lori and what I think that Lori will like. They are not always the same. So when I happen upon something that does both, I am quick to add to our collection. In this case, it was a trio of outdoor angels. I’ve never seen this type before. I was nervous that the picture in the catalog would not match the reality of the actual item once I received it.
I woke up the next day with an extra jump in my step. I tackled the Christmas lights with a mission. I’m not sure why this year has been so challenging. This usually takes one day to decorate and I’m rarely fighting for success. Not the case this year as one problem led literally to the next. At the end of the day, I had put up every last string of lights I owned and every last string of lights I bought. Several of them are up and don’t work. I just covered them with a string that does. Some of the strings were only lit half way while others blinked when they shouldn’t have. Two or three times I had to stop to add more extension cords to prevent the fuses inside the strings from popping. Anything that could go wrong definitely did. As day became night I turned them on and they looked good. A tangled mess of inconsistency, but good enough. Check that project off the list. Time to start on the inside of the house. Lilly and I went out to eat. When we got back home Lilly innocently asked me, “Are we going to make cookies tonight?”
“Not tonight, it’s late. It’s time for bed. Maybe tomorrow.”
Sitting back in the chair, I looked at the piles of catalogs. I picked one up and started to thumb my way through, occasionally ripping out a page and setting it aside. I fell asleep in the chair.
By the following weekend, my new angels arrived and I eagerly assembled them and placed them out in the front yard. Once in place, things in life seemed to slow down, get easier. The items on my list began to decrease. It’s amazing how little time we have to get ready for the holidays. Thirty-one days between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And only a few hours each day that can be devoted to it.
When the calendar read December 24th, everything seemed to be done. Lilly and I went down to the Ice Rink where we skated around holding hands, enjoying the music, the atmosphere and the hot chocolate.
In the past, when things became too busy, I had Lori to lean on. I had Lori to call. I had Lori to help. Everything about the holidays reminds me of Lori. I seek her approval in most things I do. I try to include her in my decisions and I look out for the moments that I know she would love. Lilly does this too. She talks to her Mom often. She tells her what she is doing in school, she loves to show her things that she has made and sometimes she asks her questions.
We are all busy and we all need some help. Help can come in a number of ways. For me, help is often not about the tangible act of doing, but the intangible act of feeling supported. When I pull into the driveway, I’m not looking at the lights, the candles and the angels to remind me of Lori. I look at them and know that no matter how busy or difficult my day was, there is always something much more important. And ultimately, I know that Lori is helping me with that. And sometimes that means you can’t get everything done. And that’s okay too.
“Daddy? Are we going to make cookies tonight?”
“No Lilly. Not this year. Maybe next year we will.”
“That’s okay Daddy. Maybe we can just buy some cookies.”
“I think that’s a great idea.”