Lilly will sometimes ask me, “what is your favorite season Daddy?” I usually answer by telling her what I like about each one. “I like winter because of the snow and Christmas, I like spring because of all of the flowers, I like summer for swimming and vacations and I like fall because of the cooler weather, the changing of the leaves and football season.”
“What is Mommy’s favorite season?” she always asks me next.
I have been thinking a lot about it lately with all of the wonderful signs of spring around. I don’t know that Lori really had a favorite season, but I do know that she loved the spring. I talked in my last journal entry about how Lori’s influence has rubbed off on Lilly. Lilly loves flowers. From the first day that Lori ever introduced her to one, Lilly has displayed an uncanny interest and enthusiasm. Before she could even speak, Lori would show her flowers and Lilly would be ooohhing and owwing. We would go on family walks and Lilly would want to stop and look at every flower she saw. As she got older, Lilly would stop and ask if she could pick them or would walk right up and smell them.
In the last year, Lilly has been riding her big wheel on our “walks”. Our neighborhood has hills, so Lilly would slow down to a crawl going uphill, but would be zooming when heading downhill. As she would get ahead of me, I would watch her racing down the hill. Then I would watch her come to a screeching halt nearly crashing into a mailbox. Not because she was losing control, but because she spotted some flowers and just had to stop. She would get off her bike and walk up and smell the flowers. She would wait for me to catch up and either tell me what type of flowers they were or she would ask me what type they were. She always wants to know the names of the flowers. When we don’t know what type they are, she usually tells me what they are close to. “Well Daddy, they kind of look like daisy’s.”
Since Lori and I spent a lot of time outside, in our yard, every day of spring is a reminder to me that she is not here. I know that I have told some of you, that one of the most difficult things I have experienced is not having Lori around me in the yard. There was nothing more gratifying than spending a day doing yard work and then having Lori walk out with Lilly talking to her about how wonderful everything looked. Many times, in the evening, Lori and I would walk out to our curb and turn back to look at the house. We would talk about what looked good, what we would like to change and what types of things we could add. Lori was always talking about what was next, even if we hadn’t finished what we were working on. But Lori had this incredible ability to make me feel so good about what I did. She would stand next to me, put her arm around me and tell me in her soft sweet voice, “Matt, it looks so amazing.” Even if all I did was mow the lawn.
Lilly has this same trait. She uses superlatives with enthusiasm and excitement as if she were 30 years old and not 5. You may have heard me talk about it or more likely, you may have witnessed it yourself. She has always done it with flowers. They literally stop her in her tracks. Picture a kid at a fireworks show and all of the oohh’s and ahh’s. That’s Lilly. I will never forget a few years ago, Lilly was probably 2 when Lori made her a plate of spaghetti and Lilly just sat there eating, all the while talking, “uum, uuummm, uuuuummmmmm, this is so delicious!” Take her shopping and you get the same thing. “Oooohhhhhh, look at that dress! It’s beautiful!” She can also be very complimentary, in such an adult kind of way. “Aunt Amy, I love that necklace you have!” Her enthusiasm is contagious, just like her Mom.
I don’t know how to explain this feeling I sometimes get. I guess it feels like dejavu, sort of. It happens when my natural instincts look for Lori or expect Lori to be somewhere. It has happened to me at work several times. Something eventful occurs and I literally reach for my phone to call her. Other times, my mind starts to role play a scenario of calling her or talking to her. There have been times driving home from work when I find myself thinking about calling her to ask her if she needs me to stop at the store. Occasionally, I walk into the house and start to call out “hello? I’m home”.
Several weeks ago, Lilly and I went to Lowe’s and picked out several packets of wildflower seeds. We took them to the cemetery along with a bag of topsoil and a few gallons of water. Behind Lori’s marker there is a natural area where we spread out the topsoil and planted the seeds. Each week we have been going there with a watering can and fresh water. They started to sprout a week or so ago. Today, they were starting to look pretty good. No flowers yet, but they are starting to look like flowers. Lilly has been calling them surprise flowers, since I can’t tell her which specific flower they actually are.
I stood there staring at the little plants, my mind starting to drift, when Lilly asked me, “Daddy, what was Mommy’s favorite season?” My mood was somber as I stood there, so I simply replied, “I don’t know Lilly.”
She kept the conversation going, “I think it is spring. Mommy will love these surprise flowers.” Lilly was talking more to herself than to me. I was lost in thought, picturing Lori and I standing at our curb, looking at our yard. That feeling I can’t describe came back as I was caught up in the memory, in the moment, my mind carrying me away. Lori and Me, looking at the lawn, looking at the flower beds.
And then I heard her speak.
My stomach tied up in knots. My heart skipped a beat. Her hand touching mine, her soft sweet voice, “It looks amazing!”
I looked down and saw her tiny little hand holding mine. “Yes it does Lilly. It looks amazing.”
And what is more amazing is that she knows what to say to make me feel good and she even knows when to say it. Just like her Mom.